


Tea For Two

by LadySokolov



Series: Batman Telltale tumblr prompt fills [7]
Category: Batman: The Telltale Series (Video Game)
Genre: Dark Comedy, F/M, Gen, I Don't Even Know, Spoilers, Tea, Violence, What Have I Done
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-16
Updated: 2017-02-16
Packaged: 2018-09-24 21:52:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,051
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9788744
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadySokolov/pseuds/LadySokolov
Summary: Vicki Vale and Oswald Cobblepot have tea.





	

**Author's Note:**

> For a prompt on tumblr. An anon asked for: Lady Arkham and penguin discussing plans over tea.
> 
> I don't even know what this is any more, but it's probably not what you imagined. I'll have something a little more actually shippy at another date, but for the time being, I hope you enjoy this, whatever it is.

TEA FOR TWO

Oswald Cobblepot liked to think that he was civilised and sophisticated, or at least more civilised and sophisticated than most of Gotham. Luckily for him he had found an equally civilised and sophisticated partner in Vicki Vale., or Lady Arkham as she preferred to be called these days. He was so grateful for her sometimes. It meant that between all the blood and chaos of their revolution, he had someone that he could actually talk with; someone that he could relax and be himself around. Sure, there were always the mindless thugs that followed the two of them and obeyed their every order, but he couldn’t _talk_ to them. Not really.

Take now for example. Their plans were finally bearing fruit. The attack at the debate had gone relatively well. Hamilton Hill was dead, Harvey Dent had been hospitalized, everyone knew the truth about the awful things the Waynes had done, and Gotham couldn’t stop talking about the Children of Arkham. Everything was looking up.

They both deserved a break, but alas there was still much to do; plans to make and people to kill. They were currently hiding out in a sky-train depot, where members of the Children of Arkham were seeing to the more mindless, time-consuming parts of their plan to poison half of the city.

Oswald and Victoria meanwhile, were having tea. They had plans to discuss after all, and they had every intention to discuss them like the intelligent and civilised human beings that they were.

They had unfortunately been unable to find furniture that was suitably elegant. Their chairs were cheap, plastic things that had been salvaged from the sky-rail staff room, and the part of their table was currently being played by a large wooden crate, with a long jacket that had belonged to one of the rail workers serving as a makeshift tablecloth. Their followers had even been careful enough to ensure that only the smallest bit of blood stained said jacket, but it was still a rather poor showing in Oswald’s opinion.

The tea set though; the tea set was perfect.

“Where in the bloody hell did you find this?” Oswald said as he lifted one delicate cup up to eye level so that he could inspect it closer.

The cup appeared to be crafted from the finest china, and was covered in an elaborate pattern of pink and gold flowers. The teapot, sugar caddy and creamer all matched it as well.

“I liberated them from a shop downtown,” Vicki replied as she poured tea into her own cup.

“Did anyone die?” Oswald asked.

For a moment it almost seemed as though Vicki was offended by Oswald’s suggestion.

“I acquired them legitimately,” she told him. “Paid for them with my own money and everything.”

Oswald was about to reply; to tell Vicki that he was proud of her or something to that effect, and was just contemplating how sarcastically he should deliver the statement when they were interrupted by one of the Children of Arkham.

“Lady Arkham. Mister Cobblepot,” the man said and Oswald couldn’t help but smile at the large, bulky man’s attempt to present himself as small and demure. “I got you that lemon you were after.”

“Thank you Tobias,” Lady Arkham said, taking the already perfectly sliced lemon in one hand and patting the goon’s beefy forearm with her other. Oswald had no idea how she kept them all straight. He couldn’t barely tell one from another when they had their masks on.

‘Tobias’ stayed beside their makeshift table for quite some time. Oswald wondered if he was waiting for Victoria to dismiss him. If he was waiting for one of them to offer him some tea and a place at the table then he would be waiting for quite some time. There were only two chairs, after all.

Oswald finished stirring the milk into his tea and brought it back up to his face to take a sniff of the rather enticing aroma that was now emerging from the cup.

‘Tobias’ chose that moment to clear his throat rather loudly. Oswald sighed, put his cup back on the table and turned to face Tobias.

“You got a problem mate?” he asked.

“You er…” It was impossible to tell while Tobias was still wearing his mask, but Oswald got the distinct feeling that the other man was nervous. “No disrespect Mister Penguin, sir, but don’t you need to take your masks off?”

“What?”

“You’re still wearing your masks.”

Oswald looked at Lady Arkham. Lady Arkham looked back at him. They _were_ still wearing their masks. Damn. He had forgotten about that. Now he felt rather foolish.

“Of course,” he said, trying to save face as much as was possible. “Thank you.”

Victoria cleared her throat and then joined Oswald in removing her mask.

“Right,” she said as she placed the mask down on the table in front of her. “Our masks. Of course.”

She breathed in slowly, and then breathed out again, and then with no warning at all she picked up the half-empty teapot, smashed it on the side of their makeshift table and then pounced on Tobias.

Oswald picked up his tea and sipped at it slowly, trying to focus on the soothing taste of Earl Grey as opposed to Tobias’s screaming or the uncomfortable squelching noise that a broken teapot made when it was repeatedly slammed into human flesh.

Eventually Vicki’s desire for violence was satisfied, and she got back to her feet. Oswald took a moment to wipe off a small spot of blood that had landed on the side of his face.

“Was that really necessary?” he asked Vicki as she took her seat opposite him once more. “You’ve gotten blood all over the floor. Someone is gonna have to clean that mess up.”

“It was necessary,” Vicki replied. She sighed happily, sounding rather fond of something, possibly the carnage she herself had just inflicted on their hapless underling.

Oswald wondered if he should be concerned by her behaviour. For a moment he considered arguing further in defence of poor, departed Tobias, but then he decided against it.

Tobias had been completely disposable after all, and besides, Oswald’s tea would start to go cold if he left it alone for much longer.


End file.
